i’ve been having such a terrible last few weeks or so. recently things being about my health, beni working a lot to where i can’t see him, and beni finding out about his life-altering back disease. all that plus the negative energy i’ve been having prior to all that. i just felt so down and that i was completely alone.
then suddenly everything good came rushing. i am this much closer to finding employment. i know that my doctor recommended i not work or do anything that might stress me out till further notice, but i just feel like despite obvious reasons (keeping busy and income) i REALLY needed this. if i get the job, and it is still considered too stressful for me according to my doctor, i can just simply quit. i think i’m good though. hehe. so waiting for the call-back. wish me luck!
it started out with a visit to my mother. is was the day after halloween and it’s tradition in the philippines to visit those who have passed. it was late in the day, i had left beni’s home late after helping care for him since he was suffering through a migrane along with his backpain, i’d gone three different places looking for flowers for my mother without avail, and the sun was setting earlier starting that day. i was bummed out by the time i visited my mother, but once i did, i just let out everything. it’s always beautiful in the sunset memory gardens, and i always feel like my mom does a little something just to make those visits a little more pleasant. after somewhat “venting”, i felt so much more peaceful.
a few days later, i get a letter from my good friend ahni. she moved to california not long after i did and because of that i rarely hear from her aside from a few myspace messages here and there. she didn’t know that i’d been so down, but somehow just holding her letter in my hand just washed away any stress i had that day. i almost felt like somewhere in her subconcious she knew that i was in need of a little ahni-induced-happiness. she’d be living a pretty good life in cali doing what she loves and that really inspired me to do just that as well. i resumed my paintings and they look so much more beautiful than i could have imagined them to be. hopefully soon they will be completed.
maddie is one of the few people that knows exactly what is going on with me. out of all my closest friends right now, i have known madison the longest and i feel like i can open up to her whenever i need to. it also seems like whenever i’m down, she can somehow sense it because the next thing i know i’ll see a message on my phone from her asking “is everything ok?”
i get a call from one of my best girlfriends suzy. she had been worried about me recently because of how i have been acting. i try not to burden others with my problems even by telling them what is wrong, but for some reason i felt it was ok to do it just this once. i let out everything, what is wrong with me, that i’ve been feeling down, and how i felt so hopeless…and she listened. held on to every word and listened and reassured me everything was going to be ok. it is funny how our friendship randomly fired back up so suddenly after not speaking to her for maybe 2 years, but boy am i glad as hell it happened. <33
by some crazy chance, the universe led my dear friend jules over to this exact blog. he looked through my entries only to be saddened by my current state of mind and general well-being. a few days ago i get a call from him. he’s one of those that not only is a great listener but knows just what to say to make things so much better. he suggested we just get together sometime soon to just chat and hopefully work through my problems. i hope that happens! before we ended the call he reassured me that i will get through this tough time. he told me whenever i’m too overwhelmed, breathe in “love” and exhale “light”. i tried it that night, and it really DID help. i’ve been using that technique since and i think i’ll eventually swear by it. ^^
my cousin terra (tayler) is probably my closest relative aside from immediate family. we grew up together and to this day i still consider her my “little sister”. the girl is only 15, six years younger than me and she is probably one of the most intuitive, but not aware, person i know. i am now convinced she is an indigo. it was one night i was talking to her for some time and during then it was brought up that i was sick. she immediately brought up what she thought was wrong and was completely right about EVERYTHING. it was crazy. she mentioned that she had several dreams about it throughout the year already and was surprised to see that it was actually reality now. surprising to me, she was EXTREMELY supportive about the whole thing and is really enthusiastic to help. everytime i speak to hear now, she wants to know how i am. she’s been really invovled with my journey and i can’t help but be thankful for that little bundle of joy i first met back in 1994.
since finding out what medical condition i was going though, i felt as if my sister had done everything to distance herself from me. i felt as if i couldn’t talk to her and if i needed her, she woudn’t do anything to help me. i’m hoping that that is just her way with handling news such as this, but i still hated it. i would get angry with her very easily, but did everything i could to keep it to myself considering her sensitive personality. sometimes, ok. correction, i ALWAYS feel like i am in fact the older sister and i’m watching over some sort of 8 year old. she’s known about my condition since 9 september, and i still don’t think she’s ready to accept it. but recently, i think she’s been starting to start accepting. excuse the repetition. maybe i’m just blinded by my hopes, but i feel like she’s been doing a little more to spend a little time with me whether it be watching our hour and a half of scrubs around midnight or her hanging in my main room playing resident evil 5. baby steps, and i’m so thankful for them. <33
lastly, how could i forget my darling sweetheart, soul mate, father of my future children, love of my life boyfriend beni? sadly enough, some of my recent depression was because i was spending so little time away from him and whenever i was fortunate to speak to him, all we would talk about how depressed HE was about his back condition. we would spend the night talking about how badly his back was ruining his life and how he will never be the same ever again and his hopes and dreams were crushed because of this. i did everything i could to cheer him up, make him feel better, but nothing seemed to work. i felt useless which made me feel even more depressed. it got to the point where i almost didn’t want to pick up the phone whenever he would call. just when i felt the most distant from him, i get a text from him saying “there’s something i want you to know“. it was a little out of nowhere, so my only response was, “yes?“ moments later i get the most heart-warming picture text.
it seriously brought tears to my eyes. just when i was at my lowest point, beni jumps right in to pull me out. i couldn’t ask for something, for someone so perfect.
i think the universe is taking good care of me now. i was alone and now i’m filled with so much needed love. i almost feel like the universe is spoiling me a little, but i’m not complaining. i’m hoping things will start looking up. hopefully my next doctor’s appointment will reveal good news. we’ll see how everything plays out.
