Back from school after a long weekend.  And by long I don’t really mean because we all had Monday off.

Saturday I loss my grandfather (we called him Papa).  From what I was told it was around 3 in the morning when my aunt got the call he passed.  She said he wasn’t doing well the night before so she asked the nursing home to make him as comfortable as possible.

Three years ago when I was living in Alaska, Papa flew to California from the Philippines with our grandmother to help my family out who had just moved there.  It was almost immediately after they settled in he had a really bad stroke which since then left him pretty much a vegetable.  He couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, and after a while he couldn’t even focus on us.  It was so sad to see what used to be such a strong man suddenly reduced to nothing.

When I left Alaska and moved to California I did my best to visit him every chance I got.  I knew he was lonely living in the nursing home with no family there.  My grandmother is old but still kicking so she had no reason to be there.  I felt bad because every time we visited Papa, she would spend maybe 5 minutes with him then run off and talk to the nurses and everyone.  I always stayed.  I felt bad because I never knew what to say to him when it was just the two of us in the room.  My dad would always say not to touch him so I couldn’t even comfort him by holding his hand.  After going to Florida and coming back, no one would take me to go see him anymore.  I might have gone once.  I don’t even remember anymore.  But either way, after that I never got to see him again.

He has spent three years, THREE YEARS on that bed, never moving, never talking, just existing.  His soul has been trapped.  It always hurt me to say it, but I wished my family could have just set him free rather than let him spend his last few years the way he did.  I mentioned he was always such a strong man.  His dignity was the least we could’ve given him.

Papa’s passing is a blessing for him.  His soul is finally able to soar and he no longer has to suffer.  I’m so happy, but it still hurts.  I’m crying now just writing this.  I don’t like to cry.  I hope he’s happy.  I believe in an afterlife and I know my mother’s spirit is happy to have him with her.

SUPER EASY Headband

Crochet a Flower Headband

Double Headband with Flower

Lacey Shells Headband

Bella’s Hat << I absolutely hate Twilight, but I loooove this hat!!

Demon Horns

I’m seriously a little depressed right now.  My daughter broke my favourite (and currently my only) digital camera today.  I can’t believe that a drop no more than 20 inches from the air can mess up the lens on a damn camera.  I’m so upset…  I’ve had the camera with me when I was living in Alaska.  I did my stupid vlogs with that thing.  It’s the longest living camera I’ve EVER had.  I’ve bought so many during my years (I took pictures of the dumbest stuff) but this one held a special place in my heart.

I looked up how much it’d take to repair it and I keep seeing prices started at $70.  Seriously???  That’s absurd.  My boyfriend said I should just buy a new one, but it’s just not the same…  I probably will end up doing that.  I’m not a hardcore photographer, but I take so many pictures.  I need a new camera.

God…  I just feel like crying now.  I know it’s stupid.  But I do.

I hate how I can spend my entire dinner downstairs with Dad and I won’t even be acknowledged.  I said hi and got nothing.  I commented on the movie he was watching and he ignores me.  I say “this arroz-caldo is delicious”, referring to his cooking and still nothing.  Dude.  I left my baby upstairs to sleep while I try to spend time with him and I can’t even get a “hi”.  Yet just now my sister goes downstairs and he’s all, “OH HEY, ASH!  Where’ve you been all night?  Go ahead and eat.  I made arroz-caldo”.

Fuuuuuuuu~~~~!!!

Man.  Like seriously??  I know she’s your favourite, but at least let me know that I still exist.  We had a fight earlier.  I wonder if he was still pissed at that.  But way to be an ass.  He always does this too.  I’ll say hi or I’ll ask him something and I’ll get nothing.  I always feel like an idiot when I try to start a conversation with him because it never goes anyway beyond my first sentence.  And whenever I’m on the phone with him I never get a “bye” or “love you” back.  I just get a hung-up once the conversation is over.  Sometimes I think the only reason he puts up with me is because I’ll probably be the only one who will give him grandchildren.  It just frustrates me.  I hope that when I have more kids and when they are all older I don’t pick favourites or act like that towards any of them.  It’s just hurtful.

Again, not saying this to get people to hate their parents or even hate mine.  I’m just venting.  I’ll get over it.

My Daddy left for the Philippines this morning and I’m a little sad.  Dakota knew I was bummed out so she thought she’d greet me this morning with a big hug and kiss which she never does in the morning.  Unfortunately her hands were covered with shit because her shitty ass Babies R Us nappy fell off and she starting playing with its…”contents”.  I spent a good 30 minutes getting the poop off her hands and cleaning my bed.

Moral of the story, don’t buy anymore Babies R Us nappies.  Their velcro sucks.

this seriously took me like 2 whole days (started 2 nights ago and just finished it).  i seem to have NO time on my hands sometimes huh?  this isn’t even that detailed of a painting.  ughhh…

anyway, impulse!  yay!  did this on that deviantArt muro thingamajig.

random, but why the hell have i been drawing such sad looking boys?  D’=

up late.  dakota kai hurt herself really badly so dad and i are monitoring her.  i thought i should do a speed painting while awake.  everyone cross your fingers that the little one is ok.  3′=