moving along 22/11/2009

no zen-like youtube music today.  the music i hear is nii-san playing resident evil 5′s mercenaries.  which btw, resident evil 5 gold, ZOMG!  two new champaigns and mercenaries reunion with 8 new players??!  eek!  needs to come out NYYYAAAOOWWW!!

what’s been up recently?  well, things have been getting better since my little relapse, so that’s good.  i’ve been able to do a little mantra meditation and such to get me back in-tuned and grounded again.  also been reading some “happy books”.  yeah…  counselor recommended a few books for me to pick up, so i thought, eh.  why not give it a shot.  plus i haven’t done any reading in FOREVER, so it’s good to get back into it.  i’m just so glad my stupid episode is over and i can get back to taking care of myself and my family.

speaking of family, so beni moved!  ok.  he kinda did.  he moved to his brother’s old room and it’s AWESOME!  it’s so much bigger than his old room.  hell, it’s even bigger than MY room!  we got pretty much all the furniture in the new room, just gotta finish moving all his clothes and such.  there’s so much space there now we can just sprawl out on the floor and chill..which we do.  x3  and gaming is more enjoyable too.  we aren’t dangerously close to the tv anymore so our eyes can endure even longer gaming sessions.  hahaha…  which is good because a lot of good games just came out.  uncharted 2, assassin’s creed 2, modern warfare 2…just noticed these are all sequels.  funny..  anyway, a lot of good games!  here’s how we celebrated the move:

mmm…we DO enjoy the bubblies!  and check out the totally cute purple micro-plush throw beni got for me for the move.  i LOVE it!!!  it’s so soft!!  <33  i think i’m doing what elliot from scrubs did at the end of the series.  i think i’m secretly moving into beni’s place.  haha.  i think that’s just me hoping that one day beni asks me to move in with him.  maybe one day…  ^^;

on the 17th, i met my nutritionist for the free food program i signed up for.  it was pretty cool talking about my current diet and how i can improve it for my health.  she said that i could keep with my vegitarian diet which rocks!  but i have to drink…*gulps*…milk…  ugh!  i’m serious, that shit is nasty.  i’ve been downing it with chocolate syrup and vanilla extract and i still can’t stand it.  i’m glad i only have to drink it half the time.  man…why can’t soy milk be included in the program??  ;A;  speaking of healthy eating, beni just wowed me recently by hitting up a veggie patty sub at subway recently:
veggie patties!
oh my brave man!  i still find it funny that he chose it out of the blue.  i assumed he would’ve ordered something more…dead.  but he enjoyed it and he even said he’d eat it again.  now if i can get him to eat at least a tomato slice…hmm…  baby steps!  also, i went to tijuana flats for the first time yesterday.  it was actually REALLY good.  i had a veggie soft taco and i wanted MORE.  maybe we can go sometime again soon.  we went to the one on this plaza called village place off montague street.  very nice place.  i wish i can get a flat there!

ooo!  and i just got in a few goodies!  i’m so excited for them!

after my favourite ahnk necklace broke a year or so ago, i’ve been going through so many different necklaces to fill the void.  i’ve had a lot but none stuck it out long enough.  the ones made of metal eventually rusted, my hemp ones broke, and my favourite necklace that tita modie gave me is now scattered all over beni’s floor.  ;A;  i finally just decided to go online and just search.  i looked through so many online stores to find SOMETHING that would just call out to me.  there were a few that were begging me to buy them, and i still just might do that, but i finally came across this lovely om necklace that said, “hey, raven.  you know i’m the one for you!”  it’s a lovely little pewter om that i found in a store on ebay.  my last necklace (the ahnk) was pewter too, so i think this was somehow destined.  ^^  and it was surprisingly really inexpensive!  the ones that i kept looking over that i loved were a bit pricey.  around the 40 and up range which i usually don’t mind considering my favourite ahnk necklace of all time was around 70, but this little guy was under 6 dollars!  EEE!!!  and it looks SOOOO much cuter than it’s picture online!  <33  ॐ

i also just got in the crystal wands i ordered earlier in the week.  they are so beautiful!  i was so afraid the ones the lady would pick out for me would be really pale coloured ones, but these are just..uhhh!!!  i love them!  also, the seller sent a tumbled moonstone and aventurine as a free gift!!  i can’t wait to use them all!

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lastly…

I GOT A JOB!!!!

much needed love 11/11/2009

i’ve been having such a terrible last few weeks or so.  recently things being about my health, beni working a lot to where i can’t see him, and beni finding out about his life-altering back disease.  all that plus the negative energy i’ve been having prior to all that.  i just felt so down and that i was completely alone.

then suddenly everything good came rushing.  i am this much closer to finding employment.  i know that my doctor recommended i not work or do anything that might stress me out till further notice, but i just feel like despite obvious reasons (keeping busy and income) i REALLY needed this.  if i get the job, and it is still considered too stressful for me according to my doctor, i can just simply quit.  i think i’m good though.  hehe.  so waiting for the call-back.  wish me luck!

it started out with a visit to my mother.  is was the day after halloween and it’s tradition in the philippines to visit those who have passed.  it was late in the day, i had left beni’s home late after helping care for him since he was suffering through a migrane along with his backpain, i’d gone three different places looking for flowers for my mother without avail, and the sun was setting earlier starting that day.  i was bummed out by the time i visited my mother, but once i did, i just let out everything.  it’s always beautiful in the sunset memory gardens, and i always feel like my mom does a little something just to make those visits a little more pleasant.  after somewhat “venting”, i felt so much more peaceful.

a few days later, i get a letter from my good friend ahni.  she moved to california not long after i did and because of that i rarely hear from her aside from a few myspace messages here and there.  she didn’t know that i’d been so down, but somehow just holding her letter in my hand just washed away any stress i had that day.  i almost felt like somewhere in her subconcious she knew that i was in need of a little ahni-induced-happiness.  she’d be living a pretty good life in cali doing what she loves and that really inspired me to do just that as well.  i resumed my paintings and they look so much more beautiful than i could have imagined them to be.  hopefully soon they will be completed.

maddie is one of the few people that knows exactly what is going on with me.  out of all my closest friends right now, i have known madison the longest and i feel like i can open up to her whenever i need to.  it also seems like whenever i’m down, she can somehow sense it because the next thing i know i’ll see a message on my phone from her asking “is everything ok?”

i get a call from one of my best girlfriends suzy.  she had been worried about me recently because of how i have been acting.  i try not to burden others with my problems even by telling them what is wrong, but for some reason i felt it was ok to do it just this once.  i let out everything, what is wrong with me, that i’ve been feeling down, and how i felt so hopeless…and she listened.  held on to every word and listened and reassured me everything was going to be ok.  it is funny how our friendship randomly fired back up so suddenly after not speaking to her for maybe 2 years, but boy am i glad as hell it happened.  <33

by some crazy chance, the universe led my dear friend jules over to this exact blog.  he looked through my entries only to be saddened by my current state of mind and general well-being.  a few days ago i get a call from him.  he’s one of those that not only is a great listener but knows just what to say to make things so much better.  he suggested we just get together sometime soon to just chat and hopefully work through my problems.  i hope that happens!  before we ended the call he reassured me that i will get through this tough time.  he told me whenever i’m too overwhelmed, breathe in “love” and exhale “light”.  i tried it that night, and it really DID help.  i’ve been using that technique since and i think i’ll eventually swear by it.  ^^

my cousin terra (tayler) is probably my closest relative aside from immediate family.  we grew up together and to this day i still consider her my “little sister”.  the girl is only 15, six years younger than me and she is probably one of the most intuitive, but not aware, person i know.  i am now convinced she is an indigo.  it was one night i was talking to her for some time and during then it was brought up that i was sick.  she immediately brought up what she thought was wrong and was completely right about EVERYTHING.  it was crazy.  she mentioned that she had several dreams about it throughout the year already and was surprised to see that it was actually reality now.  surprising to me, she was EXTREMELY supportive about the whole thing and is really enthusiastic to help.  everytime i speak to hear now, she wants to know how i am.  she’s been really invovled with my journey and i can’t help but be thankful for that little bundle of joy i first met back in 1994.

since finding out what medical condition i was going though, i felt as if my sister had done everything to distance herself from me.  i felt as if i couldn’t talk to her and if i needed her, she woudn’t do anything to help me.  i’m hoping that that is just her way with handling news such as this, but i still hated it.  i would get angry with her very easily, but did everything i could to keep it to myself considering her sensitive personality.  sometimes, ok.  correction, i ALWAYS feel like i am in fact the older sister and i’m watching over some sort of 8 year old.  she’s known about my condition since 9 september, and i still don’t think she’s ready to accept it.  but recently, i think she’s been starting to start accepting.  excuse the repetition.  maybe i’m just blinded by my hopes, but i feel like she’s been doing a little more to spend a little time with me whether it be watching our hour and a half of scrubs around midnight or her hanging in my main room playing resident evil 5.  baby steps, and i’m so thankful for them.  <33

lastly, how could i forget my darling sweetheart, soul mate, father of my future children, love of my life boyfriend beni?  sadly enough, some of my recent depression was because i was spending so little time away from him and whenever i was fortunate to speak to him, all we would talk about how depressed HE was about his back condition.  we would spend the night talking about how badly his back was ruining his life and how he will never be the same ever again and his hopes and dreams were crushed because of this.  i did everything i could to cheer him up, make him feel better, but nothing seemed to work.  i felt useless which made me feel even more depressed.  it got to the point where i almost didn’t want to pick up the phone whenever he would call.  just when i felt the most distant from him, i get a text from him saying “there’s something i want you to know“.  it was a little out of nowhere, so my only response was, “yes?“  moments later i get the most heart-warming picture text.

it seriously brought tears to my eyes.  just when i was at my lowest point, beni jumps right in to pull me out.  i couldn’t ask for something, for someone so perfect.

i think the universe is taking good care of me now.  i was alone and now i’m filled with so much needed love.  i almost feel like the universe is spoiling me a little, but i’m not complaining.  i’m hoping things will start looking up.  hopefully my next doctor’s appointment will reveal good news.  we’ll see how everything plays out.

Looking for Alaska – 04 May 08 04/05/2008

Looking for Alaska 04/05/2008

so real news 10/01/2008

i’m happy to announce that this little bunny is going to alaska!!

*holds for applause*

i’m so excited. i hadn’t heard from princess tours since my interview so i was getting a bit worried. numerous times i kept thinking back on my contact with princess and hoped to find what would make them not want me. a lot of it was how totally unprepared i was for my interview (they called me while i was working at the body shop. eeps!) majourity of it was how i wrote my e-mails to the food and beverage manager.

example:

hello mr. tommy peters!!

i am very pleased to hear that you have received my application!! =D

oh god. i’ll stop there. oh god reading it again hurts my brain… either way, i’m going to alaska, bitches! wish me luck!